Barry Talks To Bob: A Newhartian Fantasia


Barry Talks To Bob:

A Fantasia A La Bob Newhart


R.E. Prindle


          The situation in Zimbabwe with Robert Mugabe grows worse.  Our presidential aspirant, Barry Obama, has announced that if he is elected he will deal with these problems person to person and we are led to believe resolve problems through his personal influence.  Shall we say, man to man.

     Somewhat in the spirit of Bob Newhart’s old comedy routines I offer a humorous imaginary conversation between Our Man Barry and Zimbabwe’s man Bob Mugabe.


Barry:  Hello, Bob?  Barry here.

Bob:  Barry who?

Barry:  Barry Obama in the United States, Bob.  I’m the President Designate here but I have to wait till January to assume my duties.  I wan’t to have a coup by resolving your problem before then.

Bob:  That’s nice, Barry.  What problem do you think I have?

Barry:  Well, Bob, there’s a bunch of us here in the US who are viewing your attempts to silence the opposition with threats and violence with some alarm.  Um, we don’t think you’re very democratic.

Bob:  Who asked you Barry?  You run your bailiwick and I’ll run mine.  I’m doing very well, thank you.

Barry:  It doesn’t work that way anymore Bob.  Have you heard of Change?  It’s one world now and all our fates are intertwined.

Bob:  Bullshit, Barry.  Where do you get this stuff?  Are you making it up as you go along?  I’m not doing anything differently than your Luo people up North with the Kikiyu.  Have you called Bingo Owingo?

Barry:  No.

Bob:  I didn’t think so.  But while I’m on the subject I just might point out that your tactics don’t differ much from mine.  What I’m hearing is that if you don’t get the nomination and win the election your fellow Africans are going to riot:  Burn, kill, loot big screen TVs, the works.  The only difference between your Outfit and mine is that we don’t have any big screen TVs.  Don’t have electricity to run them.  Don’t even have chips and dip to munch on if we did have electricity and big screen TVs.  You people in the Big 8 are hogging that stuff for yourselves; won’t let us have any?  You call that democracy?  Go to hell.

Barry:   It’s not like that, Bob.  We have to throw a temper tantrum every once in a while to get our way.  It’s different here.

Bob:  So what’s different?  I have to kill fifty thousand people every once in a while to get my way.  Sometimes, you have to destroy the infrastructure to make a point.  You’ll learn.

Barry:  Bob, Bob.  Listen to me.  Liberals over here believed in you.  We put you in power.  We thought you were the solution, not the polution.  You were our darling.

Bob:  So what’s changed?  My hair is still curly and my eyes are still brown.  I’m the Big Black Elephant over here.  What I say is good for my country is good for my country.  Do I look like some White wimp?  Jump every time somebody says they’re going to riot?  Let ’em riot.  It’s like Joe said:  God is on the side of massed machine guns.  I’ve got the machine guns, the stinking Matabele don’t.  I’ll just kill them..

Barry:  That’s what we don’t want, Bob.

Bob:  Barry, you’re a hypocrite.  You say you’ll riot; we say we’ll shoot you.  Same thing.

Barry:   But…

Bob:  But what, Barry?  Perhaps you haven’t heard?  Things have changed.  Can you spell Change?  You keep ranting about change, well, here’s some Change for you.  The US is a has been country.  You’re as bankrupt as the old Soviet Union.  Africa’s a big continent; Zimbabwe’s a big country.  We’ve got the Chinese on our side.  Even bigger country.  They’re all over the place here.  Damn near more of them than us.  But they’re our friends.  Mess with us and you mess with them.  If you haven’t heard they’ve got your economy in their hip pocket.  If you want big screen TVs you’ve got to run up your bill there.

     In short, Barry, you don’t count.  You don’t like what I’m doing?  So have yourself a merry little demonstration.  Riot.  Burn America down.  That’ll teach me.  It’ll be a better show than watching those towers fall down.

     Barry, listen to me, I’m busy.  Gotta a lotta things to do here.  Good luck in your new job.  If you need a good word put in with the Chinese let me know.  Bye bye now.

     Another problem solved by SuperBarry.  On to the next interpersonal relationship.


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